Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
