My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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