Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
