Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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