i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
