I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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