I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
