tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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