You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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