Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
