Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
