We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My dad just said "fuck circus"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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