There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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