He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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