I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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