Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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