just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
