I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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