i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
