wrigley field is MILF paradise
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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