you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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