so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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