Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
