my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
