Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Come on in and take your pants off
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