I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
