I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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