I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
