When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There's always time for handjobs
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
