i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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