We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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