Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
