sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
