let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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