So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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