I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
