Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
