My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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