I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
