Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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