That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
