I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
