It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
