At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
