Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
