I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
