pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
