toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
