you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
