I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
