I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
