I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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