I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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