smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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