You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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