just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
