at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
